The Hollywood Bitter

Who Do You Have to Blow To Get a Raid Around Here?

2006-06-30T10:51:00.000-04:00

Let's see if you can figure out what's wrong with this sentence:

"...the FBI and Massachusetts authorities raided a Westfield, Mass. home Tuesday night and seized the stolen photos of a baby shower held by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt."

Far be it from me to come off as "bitchy" here or anything, but where the hell was the FBI was when I had those questionable photos of me perched atop a "kinda" hogtied, "somewhat" passed-out Andrew Ridgely from Wham stolen from the local Walgreen's? And justice for all? My ASS.

I think I'll start using reverse psychology to rectify the situation. I'm going to start dropping off my film along with a note that says, "Heads will roll if you don't validate my ego by stealing these pictures and selling them to the media. If it helps, I just donated fifty cents to save Screech's house, so you can't call me a homewrecker just because I usually end up humping most of my married co-stars."

Sell Your Cooter While It's HOT!

2006-06-29T10:29:00.000-04:00

Hi. How are you? That's great. How am I? ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED. Thanks for asking.

Ashlee Simpson has turned down Playboy Magazine's "alleged" offer of four million dollars. If you look at her management contract with her dad it probably specifies that the Jessica/Ashlee Jerk-Off Ratio should gradually increase in Ashlee's favor until Jessica's new album "drops" this August, then Ashlee will be swept under the bed again like so many crusty tissues and dog-eared copies of Cosmo that you stole from your dentist's office. I predict this four million dollar offer will be slashed down to about $1.25 by this time next year, which is fantastic, because I just LOVE a good vagina blow-out sale.

I wish they would break these offers down by the piece and actually put price tags on them in the pictures.

Face: $220,000
Old Nose: $4.15
New Nose: $500,000
Left Arm: $40,000
Right Arm: $60,000
Left Breast: $1,200,000
Right Breast: $499,990 (reduction due to what could be a nippular asymmetry)
Left Upper Thigh: $400,000
Right Upper Thigh: $380,000 (reduction due to ingrown hair)
Left Ass Cheek: $600,000
Right Ass Cheek: minus $600,000 (reduction due to "hygiene issues")
Vag: $1,000,000 (pending labiaplasty operation)
Toenails: $6.85 (Subject to toe-jam inspection)

They should totally hire me to run Playboy Magazine. I would turn that mother OUT.

A Pubic Affair

2006-06-28T14:54:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson has made a new music video for her upcoming single "A Public Affair" which can best be described as "my worst nightmare". Jessica, Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate, and Christina Milian are doing some kind of horrible retro throwback rollerskank/skankerderby theme directed by none other than trouser-snake extraordinaire Brett Ratner. Yuck - with an extra uck.

I saw a clip of the "making of" this new video and was immediately overcome with memories of middle school, where my late-blooming clutch-the-wall ego was pelted by the bra-wearing backwards-skating techniques of five girls named Jennifer who devoted the bulk of their adolescent years to figuring out newer and better ways to make my life a living hell and the most attractive way to wear a scrunchie while giving an over-the-Cavaricci's HJ in the back of the movie theater during a matinee showing of "Coming to America" all the while never realizing the irony of their actions when combined with their choices of movie titles. I don't even want to imagine what they were doing during "Short Circuit 2". To give you an idea of how long ago all of this was, I distinctly remember arguing with my friend Rebecca about whether the singer from that hot new band "Guns 'n Roses" was "fine".

In a related story, Axl Rose was detained in Sweden yesterday for biting a man. I love a man who's not afraid to be detained for biting a man in Sweden. I guess that settles the old "fine" argument, huh Rebecca? You always were a stupid bitch.

Not Funny.

2006-06-27T10:33:00.000-04:00

Hey, hey, hey there - Erectile Dysfunction is no laughing matter. It's a serious medical problem for millions of men and it is nothing to laugh at.

Unless it happens to Rush Limbaugh.

Rush was detained at the airport in good ol' West Palm Beach, FL trying to board a flight with a bottle of Viagra that wasn't prescribed to him. He alleges that his doctor's name is listed on the bottle as the patient name in order to give ol' Rush-bo some privacy when it comes to his lifeless, flaccid, useless, broken penis. NOT funny, people. NOT. FUNNY.

Let's discuss the real matter at hand here. Who the hell is willing to have sex with Rush Limbaugh?! The mere thought is making me want to unzip my skin and scrub it with liquid nitrogen.

Whore-ay for Hollywood!

2006-06-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

I'm a fan of the diversity of the selection process for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, mostly because it's a culmination of everything that's wrong with the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This year's recipients includes a wide array of stars, but I'd like to compare and contrast the two that jumped out at me first: Michael Caine and Leann Rimes. Both talented artists and performers, sure, but on par with one another?

Michael Caine = Appeared in over 120 films since 1956.
Leann Rimes = Entered show business in 1996. (In case you're counting, that's forty years after Michael Caine did his first film role.)

Michael Caine = Has won two Academy Awards, and has been nominated for six Academy Awards in total.
Leann Rimes = Actually admits to having recorded the song "Can't Fight The Moonlight" for the "Coyote Ugly" movie soundtrack.

Michael Caine = Actually has been friggin' KNIGHTED by the Queen of England.
Leann Rimes = Posed topless for the cover of "Blender" Magazine to show everyone how "empowered" she is now that she's all grown up. Kudos.

Please send your hate mail to:

Hell
c/o Juicy Couture
666 Bulimia Way
Salinas Implantas, DUH 90210

I'll be waiting for you there in a cami top, a "kicky" pair of terry cloth gauchos, mesh moccasins, and carrying a quart of bronzer in my sequined sack purse.

The Shocker!

2006-06-23T10:55:00.000-04:00

Hollywood is a place where anything can happen. Most people learn this the hard way AFTER they get herpes from a casting couch. Some people learn it by marrying Ahmet Zappa. I think the former is the more desirable "catch".

In news that is so shocking I can barely finish this morning's Mudslide and handful of Dexatrim - Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa are divorcing after two years of marriage. I didn't laugh when I heard they got engaged after dating for a week. I didn't laugh when they got married after dating for six months. I didn't laugh when I watched "The Sweetest Thing" (mostly because I was too busy scowling and muttering "Somebody actually put money behind this piece of crap?"). I'll tell you when I laughed - when an article about said divorce referred to Ahmet Zappa as an "actor-rocker".

I don't want to split hair extensions here, but I'm pretty sure that in order to be an "actor-rocker" you have to both "act" and "rock" - two things that I've never witnessed Ahmet Zappa actually doing. If you ever had the misfortune of watching Dweezil's and his show "Happy Hour" on USA a few years back, you know what I'm talking about. It was like wearing a damp suit of armor and riding an electric porcupine, only less endurable.

Play That Skanky Music, Skank

2006-06-21T15:33:00.000-04:00

Some of you might be too young to remember the movie "Silkwood", but for those of you who do remember it, I'd just like to say that I feel like it would take a wire-brush shower to feel clean again after watching this Paris Hilton VIDEO.

I know a lot of people think that musicians listen to their own music incessantly - in the car, at a party, while they're pretending to have sex with John Travolta when they're actually getting it on with Halle Berry - but I don't know any musicians that ever want to listen to their own music. It's like flipping through an album of photos of yourself getting kicked in the crotch by a donkey over and over and over and over again. You obsess over every little detail that you wish you could have changed, or how track 7 makes you look fat, or how the lyrics in track 2 should have been changed to reflect your feelings about that Benji guy on "So You Think You Can Dance?" who thinks he can sweat the gay right out of himself if he builds enough churches in Mexico.

Bottom line - There's nothing worse than "grooving" to your own record - I don't care HOW many times you've been videotaped fellating Rick Salomon.

Et Tu, Firecrotch?

2006-06-20T11:27:00.000-04:00

As you well know, I am the last person on Earth to defend the actions of Lindsay Lohan. If life has taught me anything, it's that she sucks.

That being said, and with my recent talk of under-used celebrity status, I was reading about how Lindsay Lohan has her bodyguard "shoo away" any women from her VIP table that she feels are better looking than her and it got me to thinking. What would I do if I were faced with such a situation? I don't think being "shooed away" would really get the job done, do you? It's a crazy botoxed rat race out there, and you have to be the best - and BEAT the best - if you want to win the attention of the likes of Steve-O and Nick Carter. Here's my plan for keeping these skele-vultures away from your table at Hyde in LA:

1. Keep a tape measure handy for use in determining the bust size of your fellow female party-goers. Anyone over a B-cup gets shot in the face with a cannon and left for dead in the alley.

2. Check ID's as they approach your table. Any women under 25 get acid thrown in their eyes and are then thrown into a nearby crocodile pit.

3. Inspect the tags inside their clothing. If she's wearing a more expensive outfit than you she gets a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris and is then covered in honey and tied to a tree next to a hive of Killer Bees.

4. Better dancer? She won't be after you set up that bear trap and dump a bucket of poison dart frogs on her head! Take that, whore!

5. There's no amount of competing sparkling and flirtatious conversation that can't be nixed with the help of our old friend "the piranha tank". It's as under-used these days as the term "firecrotch", and I for one think that's a damn shame.

Let's keep our eye on the ball here, people. New Hollywood is really starting to bore me. I might have to start reading the actual news again.

Tithe Me Up, Tithe Me Down

2006-06-19T14:38:00.000-04:00

I was reading a story this weekend about how Screech is trying to keep his house out of foreclosure by selling t-shirts for $15 ($20 if autographed), and it got me to thinking about what I need to do to get people to help me out with my expenses. Sure, you all like to gawk at my humongous ass and see how many minutes it jiggles after you smack it, but do you have any idea how many bacon double cheeseburgers I have to eat to maintain it? And do you think shimmery crease-proof eyeshadows just grow on trees? If people are willing to put their hard-earned cash towards Screech's $250,000 defaulted mortgage, I don't think it would be too much to ask for you to pony up a few grand for me to get some much-needed Burger King and Sephora essentials.

I just imagined a Sephora store with a Burger King IN it. Dare to dream.

Control Yourself

2006-06-16T19:19:00.000-04:00

There is absolutely no reason for you to be so upset that the next film installment of "The Dukes of Hazzard" is going to be released straight to video. I know you had your hopes up - we all did - but maybe this will teach you a valuable life lesson about not always getting what you want. No, really, please stop crying and threatening to throw yourself in the path of Charlie Sheen's penis. It's not going to help matters. The best thing for you to do right now is to curl up with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and eat yourself sick. Then wash it down with a few handfuls of Ex-Lax so you won't be called "zaftig" by Joan Rivers on the red carpet at the premiere of whatever piece of crap Brett Ratner is putting out this week. You might want to pop a few valium too so you can look Jeremy Piven right in the eye and not laugh at how his hairline has managed to creep about five inches forward in as many years.

Get your act together. You're embarrassing yourself.

The Star Treatment

2006-06-15T13:35:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't hear, an employee of Victoria's Secret is reporting that Britney Spears came in a couple of days ago looking for some red thongs. I'm not sure how thong underwear works with a pregnant belly, but maybe she was buying them for her grandmother or something. So Britney gets to the register, pays for her items, smells a stinky one, and lays her baby on the floor next to the register, changes his diaper, and then shoves the dirty diaper at the woman behind the register who, thankfully, refused to take it from her.

Come on now, Britney. Seriously? If you're gonna do that, you might as well go all the way. You should have changed the diaper on TOP of the register, grabbed one of those overpriced negligees and used it as a baby wipe, smushed the dirty diaper in the cashier's face when she refused to take it, exacted revenge on the cashier's by contracting a hitman to snuff out her family and friends, taken the employees of Mrs. Field's Cookies hostage and sacrificed the baby to the gods of the Snickerdoodle, burned down the Orange Julius stand, declared herself the Empress of Rome, and used the public bathroom and left pee on the seat. Gross!

I'm just sick and tired of people under-using their celebrity status.

The Sassy Infant Look

2006-06-14T15:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to read the entertainment news and make wild assumptions based on the headlines without actually reading the story. It makes all of those stories about Tori Spelling being a turtle-faced homewrecker whore that much more interesting.

That being said, here is today's "Headline Assumption":

"Baby Shiloh Inspires New Fashion Trend"

I'm sure it's probably some THRILLING story about how the Brangelina miracle child is wearing the latest in sweatshop-free cloth diapers or some such nonsense, but I'd like to take a few steps further and assume that women are running out in droves right now and getting their heads shaved, their umbilical cord nubbins reattached, and un-learning bowel control. Come on girls! A man wants a woman he can take care of!

And to think, I worked all these years to become independent, never realizing it was just a fad.

Dave Navarro Still Eats It

2006-06-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that I began to loathe Dave Navarro, but it was probably sometime in the area of that whole "'Til Death Do Us Part" show that showcased he and Carmen Electra's wedding. It was either that, or that time he ruined an entire Red Hot Chili Peppers record and talked Anthony Kiedis into wearing high-waisted flame-y vinyl pants. Although, come to think of it, it might have been around the time that he was born, but I did give him his fifteen minutes' worth during his time with Jane's Addiction. After all, "Nothing's Shocking" changed my angst-ridden ninth grade life.

So Dave Navarro, along with Jane's Addiction members Stephen Perkins and Chris Chaney, has formed a new band (with former MTV VJ Steve Isaacs handling the frontman duties) called "Panic Channel". Unfortunately, he's come out and said that between his new "band" (ha ha) and his super AWESOME job hosting this season's "Rock Star" show on CBS (ha ha times infinity), he and Carmen Electra just "don't have time" to have babies.

I, for one, feel cheated. I was so looking forward to reading the tabloid reports about how he's having Jean-Paul Gaultier custom-design a mini feather boa and latex diaper for his wolverine-spawn's quasi-burlesque christening into The Infant Pussycat Dolls as coached by skankalumnus "Moms" Electra.

I love the idea of Dave telling this kid how Mom and Dad met. "Well, a couple of years after your mom finished being Prince's f*ckdoll, and after I was done making out with Perry Farrell and Anthony Kiedis, we met and fell in MTV-subsidized love where we told the whole world how we celebrated our wedding night by popping some Viagra and seeing how many weights we could hang from your mom's nipple rings before her implants popped."

Apocalypse WOW!

2006-06-08T10:53:00.000-04:00

I know a lot of you were disappointed that the apocalypse didn't happen this past Tuesday, but I'm here to tell you that there's still hope for your hopelessness! If you read the Bible very carefully, you would know that the real sign that the end is near is when Michael Bolton sings a duet with Nicolette Sheridan. Well guess what?

Michael Bolton has recorded a duet with his fiancee Nicolette Sheridan on his new cd "Bolton Swings Sinatra". I'll give you a moment to laugh at how stupid that title is, and for Frank Sinatra to roll over in his well-fortified coffin...

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Okay, moving on. Michael has described Nicolette's singing voice as "breathy". I'm sure the first word he came up with was "gruff", but he didn't want to send up any red flags about that the fact that she's a dude. I'm sure the experience of having her balls taped to her inner thigh for those sexy car-wash scenes on "Desperate Housewives" is humiliating enough.

In a related story, be sure to check out the sassy duet I did with the vaguely Kenny G-ish guy from Color Me Badd. It's what we in the business like to call "money".

My Love Costs $13,280 Per Page

2006-06-07T19:25:00.000-04:00

You know how some guys do really cheesy stuff to impress a woman and all the women around her go "Awwww. He is so SWEET!" when all they're really thinking is "How many hours of Lifetime has this asshole been watching? Does he know NOTHING about what women really want?". And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy who "surprises" his girlfriend by sending her a balloon bouquet at work that says "I Wuv You" and renting "The Notebook" and filling her bathtub with Hershey's Kisses along with a note that says "Now that I've showered you with kisses..." in the thinly-veiled hope that such behavior will be rewarded with some backdoor action or some such female-dreaded activity. Are you calling me cynical? I've been called worse. Moving on.

So Marc Anthony took out a $13,280 full-page ad in Variety Magazine to declare his love for Jennifer Lopez. AND it's laid out like an awards show script. Now, to me this screams "Sorry you walked in on me banging the housekeeper", but again, I'm somewhat cynical when it comes to cheesy romantic gestures. Judge for yourself.

Fade In:
Ext. Century Plaza - Los Angeles, CA - Evening
Int. Ballroom - Women in Film Presents The 2006 Crystal and Lucy Awards

Enter: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World
Jennifer Lopez glows as she glides across the stage to accept the Crystal Award

Cut to: Marc Anthony
Her proud husband sitting in the audience aware of how lucky he is to be with the love of his life and sharing in this moment.

Cut to: Jennifer at the podium as she shares a stolen moment with him.

Cut to: Marc Anthony (mouthing) "Here's to never waking up, baby. You deserve it. I love you.

Thoughts? Opinions? Am I way off-base here?

The Reason You Suck at Life

2006-06-06T15:25:00.000-04:00

Many people have grown up in the shadow of a overachieving sibling and become withering piles of emotional jelly that make Paul Reiser look like Vince Gallo. Many people spend years in therapy trying to climb out from under the weight of these confidence-shattering blood relatives only to find that they really do suck at life. With all of the Brangelina "Chosen One" news, can you imagine how worthless Woody Harrelson's new baby must feel? And they're not even related! I can only imagine the terrible tenth grade poetry this kid is surely going to write. What the hell? I've got time - let's make some up right now:

Locked in a world of "Cheers" reunions and Larry Flynt impressions
Dad blames the swollen egos of Ted Danson and Oliver Stone for his youthful transgressions
I have no one to blame, but my mother's careless womb
I've been to Brangelina's house
And Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has a WAY bigger room
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, hemp activist C-List celebrity parents just don't understand

Jingle Bluebells

2006-05-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) has named her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna. From AP:

"The singer also known as Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she'd been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.

"But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare - so it's precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter," Halliwell was quoted as saying."

That makes sense. So long as it's "rare". That seems to be the way celebrities find names for their babies now. On the other hand, Oral Gonorrhea is rare, so I guess that would be a fitting name for a child too. Cleveland Steamer? Also rare. Platypus Buttplug? Rare.

I can't wait till all of these celebrity kids grow up. You think it's bad now with the Paris Hilton's and Nicole Richie's of the world? Wait until you see Charlie Sheen's daughter having a second wave Reggaeton dance-off with Britney Spears's son in 2024. At least I assume Reggaeton will be the only music available by 2024 - I'm sure payola will be around long after the nuclear apocalypse...

Masters of The Bicep Universe

2006-05-22T19:22:00.000-04:00

MY EYES!!!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!

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"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, STOP BITIN' MY STYLE, BITCH!"

Welcome to The Overpriced Tube Top Jungle

2006-05-22T13:21:00.000-04:00

It seems Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger got into a little scuffle this weekend in New York City. I know what you're thinking - and you're incorrect. They were NOT arguing over the release date of the long-UNawaited Guns 'n Roses album "Chinese Democracy". Nor were they arguing over Tommy's uninspired, urban-pandering campaign to take fashion down one logo tube-top at a time. It turns out they were arguing because Axl moved Tommy's girlfriend's drink so it wouldn't spill on him. The best part? Definitely the quote:

"It was the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life."

I would like to note that this particular quote was not made by Tommy Hilfiger, but by Axl himself. Take a moment to think about that. Axl Rose thinks that getting slapped around by Tommy Hilfiger was the most surreal thing that's ever happened to him. Apparently he was too wasted to remember those years that we all had to endure the videos for "Don't Cry", "November Rain", and "Estranged". Nor does he recall inciting riots in St. Louis and Montreal after walking off-stage in the middle of concerts. Nor does he remember wearing American flag biking shorts in public.

All in all, I think getting slapped around by Tommy Hilfiger is the LEAST surreal thing that's ever happened to Axl Rose. I only hope that this is just the beginning of crusty remnants of late 80's rock getting pushed around by bland fashion designers. I can hardly wait to hear about Chip Z'nuff's eventual ass-beating at the hands of Ralph Lauren.

Them Bones

2006-05-19T13:27:00.000-04:00

Alice in Chains played a reunion concert last night at The Roxy in Hollywood. I don't want to seem crass here, because I think that both the life and death of Layne Staley is incredibly tragic, but unless they pulled out some wacky hijinks from "Weekend At Bernie's", I don't see this whole "reunion" thing being believable. It's the equivalent of having a Gilligan's Island reunion without Gilligan.

Maybe I should give "Weekend At Bernie's" another look-see. If for no other reason than that I can't get enough of Andrew McCarthy and his spindly, moist, wimpy W.A.S.P.-yness. I'm not kidding. That boy really does it for me.

I refuse to be ashamed.

Crotch of Fire

2006-05-18T10:18:00.000-04:00

My glee is immeasurable right now, and it's all thanks to one word: Firecrotch.

Brandon Davis (son of a billionaire oil tycoon, defiler of starlets, asshole extraordinaire) drunkenly went off on a tangent about Lindsay Lohan's financial status AND genitalia ON VIDEO inside a nightclub in Hollywood, with Paris Hilton egging him on the whole time. This is the kind of thing that all quasi-celebrities SHOULD be doing, if for no other reason than that it gives me some fantastic quotes to pull. Here's a few of my favorites from the lips of this walking trouser snake:

On her financial status:

"I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."

On her dating Wilmer Valderrama:

"Is he in a mariachi band?"

And, my favorite, on her genitalia:

"Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long."

You can't buy this kind of entertainment anymore. It's truly a gift.

Fun with Words and Phrases

2006-05-17T18:31:00.000-04:00

What the heck? It's been a while...

Here is another list of words/terms/phrases that need to be struck from our vernacular immediately:

1. "Catfight" - On its own, not that bad, but there's always some idiot in a bar/club/whatever who says it like this - "Oooooh - Catfight!" and then looks around at their friends to make sure they heard them say it, and then laughs like they're the one who invented the term to begin with. I hate you.

2. "Do I Smell Bacon?" - This was slightly amusing to me when I was nine years old, when a police car would drive by our school bus and one of the boys on the back of the bus would say it. Since then, there mere utterance of this term makes me want to kick you in the face. Again, please stop laughing and looking around at your friends for their approval and praise after you say this. You're not funny.

3. "24/7" - I'm just sick of this one. Particularly when someone like Larry King says it and gets that smug look like he's in on some "hip lingo" that all the kids are using.

4. "LOL" - I used to work with a woman who would instant message me "LOL" when she thought something was funny, but I could see her from my desk, and she CLEARLY was not "laughing out loud". Nor was she ever rolling on the floor laughing her ass off, contrary to her numerous ROFLMAO's. I hate people who use instant messaging as a way to pacify their need to pathologically lie about the status of their laughter. Screw them.

5. "You must cease all contact with Donny Osmond immediately" - I find this one annoying because I know that if Donny just got the chance to know me, he would realize that we're meant to be together and stop this restraining order business once and for all.

The Skank Factor

2006-05-16T14:08:00.000-04:00

Today we will discuss "The S Factor". This is the name of that "striptease" workout thing that Sheila Kelley started a couple years back, made most famous by the likes of Teri Hatcher and Lisa Rinna, both of whom I'm sure look like underfed trout dangling from a cane pole while doing this workout. But I digress...

In order to properly celebrate Mother's Day, Sheila Kelley held an "all ages" open house striptease lesson for mothers and daughters. I can't think of a better way to celebrate Mother's Day than by teaching your 7 year old daughter how to properly swing around a pole to Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls". It's GOOD for kids! AND society! And who better to teach them than Mom? The last thing any parent would want would be to have a total STRANGER teach their child the proper way to apply body glitter and how to pick up dollar bills without using their hands. THAT would be wrong.

You can't even imagine the look on my face right now. I look like Dorothy Zbornak after enduring a particularly long St. Olaf story.

American Eye-Cream-dol

2006-05-15T18:04:00.000-04:00

Here's another Ryan Seacrest photo for your amusement:

Again, I want to see the pictures that followed these three. You know, the ones where Ryan Seacrest throws a fit after realizing that the "Stanley Cup" is not an athletic cup being worn by a guy named Stanley and then storms off to Neiman Marcus to pretend he's flirting with the girls who work the Clinique counter, when he's merely sucking up to them for free samples of chamomile night cream and lavender toner.

Ryan - Nobody CARES that you're gay. Your attempts at remaining closeted are much more amusing.

For the Love of Maude, EAT SOMETHING!!!!!!

2006-05-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

I hope you're not sitting around waiting for that Spice Girls reunion tour to happen...

Victoria Beckham is far too busy preparing for her role as an enchanted hat rack in the next Harry Potter movie.

EAT SOMETHING. PLEASE.

Blender Magazine Makes Me Puke

2006-05-11T20:13:00.000-04:00

Here's Number 47 on Blender Magazine's "50 Worst Things That Ever Happened to Music":

43. Non-fake Lesbians
Dont get us wrong we love lesbians. Just so long as theyre not playing music. From Melissa Etheridge to the Indigo Girls, real-live sapphic rock stars are to blame for some truly awful trends: earnest coffeehouse confessionalism, the Lilith Fair, flannel. Now t.A.T.u., on the other hand

Granted, I don't think of Blender Magazine knows shit about shit, but this particular one really got my blood boiling. I'm having a hard time understanding how anyone - ANYONE - can take a crap all over real artists like Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls (who have been successfully making it in the music business for over TWENTY YEARS) while simultaneously singing the praises of t.A.T.u (a fake "band" whose only appeal was that they made-out on stage a lot). I know, I shouldn't let these kinds of things bother me. But this one REALLY, REALLY bothers me. Not JUST because I know so many truly AMAZING lesbians, but also because I know so many AMAZING female musicians - who are real artists and NOT a gaggle of tit-sicles that have to dress like schoolgirls and make-out with each other to sell a record. And I hate, hate, HATE that the oversexed juvenile assholes at Blender Magazine get to publish this kind of CRAP and people just sit back and laugh away at how CLEVER they are and re-up their subscriptions for another year. I can totally hear them saying, "Sure, we all love lesbians! So long as they look like porn stars and want to have sex with ME - oh and they have to shut the hell up and put those guitars down while they're at it."

GUESS WHAT, ASSFACE? THAT'S NOT A LESBIAN! THAT'S A MUTE PORN STAR WHO HAS SEX WITH JUVENILE DICKHEADS.

And let's list those "truly awful trends" again that Blender Magazine claims that "real lesbian" musicians are responsible for. Coffeehouse confessionals, Lilith Fair, etc. Now let's run down the list of some of the truly awful trends that DICKHEAD ASSHOLES started. Rap metal, Woodstock 1994, Woodstock 1999, Scott Stapp's career, punch-the-air hardcore dancing, drum solos, the proliferation of any Nickelback song, etc. Tell you what BLENDER - I'm going to make my OWN list of the 50 Worst Things That Ever Happened to Music - and guess which alleged music magazine is going to be number one?

Think about your mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, friends, and daughters, and how magazines like Blender make them feel like they are USELESS to society unless they have a porn star's tongue in their mouth and a misogynist's cock in their hand - and cancel your subscription TODAY. This snickering boys' club boner parade bullshit has GOT to end.

Sad Facts

2006-05-11T19:13:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears has CONFIRMED that she is, once again, infected with Federline-spawn. In case you're keeping tabs here, this will be child number FOUR for K-Wig. FOUR. In LESS than five years. I sat down with my calculator and did the math - and at this rate he'll have 782,956 children by ... October? Maybe early November?

Here's a sad fact:

Isaac Newton: 0 children

Albert Einstein: 2 children

Stephen Hawking: 3 children

Kevin Federline: 4 children

Let's all sing together: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong - can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish this blog?"

(Hint: It's the one that looks like a trailer weasel and is a waste of human existence.)

Carrots Wait for No One

2006-05-10T15:11:00.000-04:00

here are a lot of things I could say about this picture of Jessica Simpson. A LOT.

I could make mention of the fact that she looks like a bumpy Chick-o-Stick. I could note how ABSOLUTELY FREAKING WEIRD her boobs look. I could even say that in that particular get-up she was probably mistaken for a bottle of Fanta until a Fanta bottle became enchanted and jumped up and said, "You insult the integrity of Fanta with that statement." and then climbed some light-rigging and started firing a gun randomly into the crowd.

But as a mature lady, I am above that.

YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE BEAT YOU WITH A PUMPKIN FULL OF AGENT ORANGE AND DIET SUNKIST, YOU MUTATED SPRAY-ON CARROT-FACED FREAK OF NATURE.

Sorry.

Immaterial Girl

2006-05-09T11:49:00.000-04:00

In yet more news nobody cares about, Madonna has posed topless for a W Magazine fashion "spread". An anonymous British source had the following to say about it:

"In one [photo] she is dressed as an English horse rider but there is a sexy twist as she has her boobs out."

Let's summarize that sentence: One dressed English horse twist boobs out.

It's funny, because I would have guessed that this was a topless Madonna story just by that sentence alone.

There's a time and a place for Madonna's boobs. And that time was 1984.

Now I can hardly wait for the eventual nudie pics of Mae West's corpse to surface. I bet they'll be twice as hot as those etchings of Cleopatra's mummified vagina.

(And before you jump on me, music critics, Madonna didn't open any gates for any of us real women. She merely reinforced the boys' club that says that women have to show their tits to sell records.)

Our Fallen Hero: Decency

2006-05-08T15:09:00.000-04:00

Stavros Niarchos is not taking this getting dumped by Paris Hilton thing all too well. According to Star Magazine (Wilkins is a crack dealer) he spent all night at Paris's guard gate, begging and pleading for her to let him in so he could talk to her. Of course, there was a crowd of paparazzi there to witness the incident, and Stavros is being quoted as saying:

"Please have some decency! Leave us alone!"

Dear Stavros,

It's a little late for that now. I think Paris actually murdered decency and wore it as a thong on the red carpet MONTHS ago. Get with the program, spanakopita.

Sincerely,

Madge

The Prairie Skank Companion

2006-05-05T18:08:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan showed up with a cast on her foot a few nights ago at a press conference for her upcoming film "The Prairie Home Companion". And while she claims she received the hairline fracture in her foot by slipping on the floor when she got out of the shower, I think we all know that the real story must be more interesting than THAT:

1. She was sitting down to a dinner of two quick bursts of Pam non-stick cooking spray and read that it had carbs in it, had a panic attack, had sex with Brett Ratner to punish herself, and broke her foot under the weight of his ego.

2. She was trying to one-up Paris Hilton by fitting the entire right side of her own body into her vagina, and twisted her ankle on the dismount.

3. As a result of dating Jared Leto, she now has syphilis of the foot, or as it's known in Hollywood "JordanCatalanoIsAnAsshole-itis".

4. She's so skinny, she has to jump around in the shower to get wet. ZING! (Thanks, Slappy White.)

5. I totally kicked her narrow spotted ass after she called me "thick".

Thighs Without A Face

2006-05-03T18:08:00.000-04:00

MY EYES!!!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!

STOP MAKING ME SMELL YOUR FEMURS.

Love, Thy Name is Skankis

2006-05-03T13:06:00.000-04:00

Devastated by the news of Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos breaking up, I hope to gain some kind of understanding and closure by reenacting their break-up conversation:

Paris: Stavros! Where are you Stavros???

Stavros: (muffled sounds of screaming followed by the sound of a genetically-mutated walrus being dropped into a pool of Diet Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper from The Island Hopper) Oh man! That is the LAST time I'm having sex with you!

Paris: Don't you know who I AM?

Stavros: Sure I do, but the five guys I just met "up there" told me they finally have enough players to take on your gonorrhea in the play-offs. I think that means we have to break up.

Paris: That's hot. Not the breaking up part, of course, but the gonorrhea team just scored a three-pointer!

This is my time of need, folks. This news has really hit me hard. If you can spare anything - a thousand dollars, a non-sexual backrub, or even an all expenses paid vacation to Jamaica - now's the time to step up.

I'm Too Tired of This to Even Think of A Title

2006-05-02T11:17:00.000-04:00

Well this is all we need. As if the Bennifers, Brangelinas, and Tooneys (??!!) of the world weren't bad enough - now we have a new celebrity mash-up name that trumps all:

Richie Rich.

That's right. Richie Sambora and Denise Richards. Richie Rich.

It's getting so hard to keep track of all of these ridiculous names, why don't we just start using descriptions of these people instead?

Richie Rich = Bad Haircut / Terrible Actress.

Believe me, I'm being kind. My first choice was Squinty Douchebag Spaghetti-Puss / Herpes Casserole a'la Mode.

Wild Coconuts Couldn't Drag Me Away

2006-05-01T15:04:00.000-04:00

Thank goodness Keith Richards is holding down the "rock 'n roll end" of things for The Rolling Stones. With the most recent news of Mick's sitcom ambitions, it's good to know that somebody in that band still remembers who they are.

Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion this weekend after falling out of a palm tree on the island of Fiji.

A lot of people will tell you that a 62 year old man has no business climbing a palm tree, but in the grand scheme of "all things Keith", climbing palm trees is about one of the safest things he's done in decades, respectively. Now, who knows, perhaps he was trying to fetch a bottle of Jack Daniels that had been lodged up there, or maybe he was trying to cut down a coconut for a heroin pina colada, but I'm just happy that he's getting some exercise.

Circle-Circle Dot-Dot

2006-04-28T13:16:00.000-04:00

I really wish I had the photos that followed this shot:

You know - the ones where Ryan Seacrest dry-heaves, rips off his clothes, furiously sanitizes his hands and screams, "Ewwww - girls!!!!!" and then proceeds to pass out on the red carpet awaiting a "Cootie Shot" from a nearby medical team.

Your Mother is The Centerfold

2006-04-27T17:14:00.000-04:00

In news that nobody cares about, Cindy Margolis - the famed "Most Downloaded Woman on The Planet" - has decided to pose for Playboy. At age 40, and a mother of three, Cindy had this to say about her decision to finally "bare it all".

"Thank goodness for 'Desperate Housewives.' You're not dead just because you are married and have children. Posing nude at the age of 40 is empowering. In the past it would have been for gratuitous reasons."

1. You can thank badness for Desperate Housewives. Goodness is sitting over there in the corner pretending it doesn't know you.

2. I was unaware that being married and having children means that you're effectively dead. Happy Birthday, kids!

3. To Cindy Margolis, "Dead" = "No Longer Wanking Material for Strange Men".

4. If posing nude at 40 is empowering, then I can't wait till she's 80, then it will be DOUBLE-empowering. At 160, she'll almost be a feminist!

5. I'm sure every guy with their wiener in the hand will find her "spread" to be non-gratuitous, respectable, and kind to animals. Oh, and sticky. Very, very sticky.

Kudos, Cindy. I'm sure you'll make your family proud.

I Assume You're Joking

2006-04-26T14:00:00.000-04:00

MY EYES!!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!

Seriously. Just Stop.

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

2006-04-26T10:25:00.000-04:00

So US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears is pregnant again. They said she was seen at the pool at Caesar's Palace in a bikini and was "visibly pregnant". Here we go again.

I feel as though I need to reach for the words of Kevin Federline, from his "hit" single "America's Most Hated" to understand the meaning of all this.

So i duck and roll
Middle fingers still up sayin f*ck the globe
And my dawgs still down
We dont trust them hoes
I live life like a King
I was extra stoned
Kevin Federline -
I come tight with every rhyme

Now it all makes sense. How could she NOT have sex with him every night? Come on, people, she's not made of stone. Not only does he give Earth "the finger", but his dawgs are apparently still down, AND he doesn't trust hoes...and let's not forget that he's extra stoned. I think I ovulated just reading that. Oh no, now I'm having contractions! Push! Push! Push! Oh my goodness! I just gave birth to a ... to a ... fifty dollar gift certificate from Graffix and a bag of Corn Nuts?

I feel cheated. Well, I guess my dawgs are still down, so all is not lost.

You Give STD's A Bad Name

2006-04-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Denise Richards,

I'm sure you're all "surprised" that you've had to take a restraining order out against Charlie Sheen, but let's go over the conversation I had with you in my imagination before you married that trouser snake:

Maggie: Seriously. Charlie Sheen? He's more Herp than human!

Denise: But I love him! And besides, he's CHARLIE EFFIN' SHEEN. Star of "Hot Shots", "Hot Shots Part Deux", and "Major League"! Sometimes I can barely control myself when I hear "Wild Thing" on the radio!

Maggie: You know he's had sex with like a thousand L.A. prostitutes, right? Oh, and the coke habit. And the fact that he was borne of the same vagina as EMILIO ESTEVEZ??? Have you even SEEN "Men at Work"????

Denise: I lost my anal virginity to the soundtrack from that movie! Good times...good times.

Maggie: Wait - was this before or after you were on Doogie Howser?

Denise: You tell me! (Shows Vinnie Delpino tattoo)

Maggie: I hope you burn in hell.

So, I hate to say "I told you so", Denise, but that's where you're at now. Burning in hell with the faint memory of Charlie Sheen's herpedic, ridge-backed, contagious, rancid, cauliflower penis to keep you company while you wait for your name to come up on the judge's docket while sending secret text messages to Richie Sambora. You know Bon Jovi has ties to the Spandex Mafia, don't you?

Wild Sitcoms Couldn't Drag Me Away

2006-04-24T15:31:00.000-04:00

Sure, I'm somewhat of a rock 'n roll purist - some might even say a snob. I believe in leather pants, tantrums, and ridiculous backstage demands. If I wanted a rock star to behave like my grandma, I'd probably be a Rob Thomas fan, but that's not the case. And I'm proud. I'm proud that I demand more from my rock stars than humility and good manners. That is why this particular news bothers me so much.

Obviously, The Rolling Stones have become somewhat of a senior citizen punchline these days, but I give them credit for continuing to draw millions of fans on tour every year, and still managing to knock up the occasional 23 year old Brazilian supermodel along the way. This is the reason we all got into music to begin with, no? Art schmart. We all do it for the chicks, our egos, the money, or because daddy didn't love us enough.

So, Mick Jagger is signing a deal to appear in a new ABC sitcom about a group of guys who plan to rob a celebrity. (Mick is the celebrity.) As if this weren't bad enough, the only reason Mick is slated to do this SITCOM, is because JEFF GOLDBLUM turned it down. That's right - irritating, obnoxious, painfully unwatchable, douchebag-extraordinaire Jeff Goldblum. A lot of people say, "Why do you hate Jeff Goldblum with such a passion?"

I will tell you why: Because watching him attempting to explain Chaos Theory in Jurassic Park made me want to rip my own eyeballs out, eat them, vomit them back up, and return them to my eye sockets where the caustic hydrochloric acid from my stomach would burn through my optic nerves and into my brain which would render me as useless a human being as, well, Jeff Goldblum.

I hate Jeff Goldblum. Learn to live with it.

This KISS

2006-04-21T19:55:00.000-04:00

I've often wondered what the band KISS would smell like if they were in cologne or perfume form. Luckily, they're launching a fragrance line next year, so we won't have to waste our lives soul-searching and toiling over the situation.

I think the most responsible way to predict what it will smell like would be to break it down by band member and then put them together in a big ol' bottle of Massengill and see what squirts out.

1. Paul Stanley - Nipply, pouty, reminiscent of Marc Bolan's ball sweat

2. Ace Frehley - Rough and road-worn, musty, like an old saddle that once had a naked Edward James Olmos astride it

3. Peter Criss - Mostly ignored, crackly, like the used condoms of Rick James that have been stuck on the underside of Linda Blair's box spring since 1979.

4. Gene Simmons - Pungent, spicy, like twenty thousand 70's muffs all being waxed at once by Andy Dick from inside of the shark tank at Sea World

Summary - This cologne/perfume will smell like nipples, man-juice, a naked Edward James Olmos, used condoms of funk legends, a gaggle of gyners that look like plucked chickens, the stink of brine, and Andy Dick.

I have a feeling the makers of the Desperate Housewives perfume will be filing a trademark infringement lawsuit shortly.

The Circle of Scientology

2006-04-20T13:19:00.000-04:00

It was late in the evening, April 18th, when I heard the news. Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl named Suri. I thought about how proud the sperm donor and Scientology-extraordinaire, Tom Cruise, must be, and how there's one turkey baster out there who's gonna get a bonus for being so "on the mark". Then I remembered Olympia Dukakis's line in "Look Who's Talking" when she called the sperm donor "the frozen pop". This memory made me snicker, which then made me want to eat a "Fun Size" Snickers bar and lick the melty chocolate off my fingers afterwards. This made me think of that scene in Mallrats when Jason Lee makes Brandy's father lick his fingers after he stink-palms him. This made me remember how I thought Jason Lee was the perfect man for me when I was nineteen. Never before had I seen a man so delightfully bitter, indifferent, and chock full of useless knowledge. He was the perfect man, albeit a tad on the hairy side, but whatever. He was a dreamboat. I then remembered that Jason Lee is now a Scientologist. Yuck.

And the circle is now complete.

Tree-Huggers Unite!

2006-04-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

MY EYES!!!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!

STOP POLLUTING THE AIR WITH YOUR COOTER.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

2006-04-19T11:30:00.000-04:00

Quote from Kevin Federline:

"A real pimp is a dude who's making money off bitches who sling that ass on the street. Nowadays, people will say they're a pimp just because they're suave. I'm not no pimp. I'm just Kevin. Happy husband. Happy father. I didn't pimp Britney. I found love."

Please bear in mind that this is the same man who wore a velour tracksuit to his very own wedding reception that had the words "The Pimp" embroidered on the back. And as far as Britney slinging that ass on the street? I don't think anything like that could ever happen...

Whoops. Spoke too soon.

Anyone got change for a nickel?

Shut Up, Skank

2006-04-18T18:26:00.000-04:00

Excerpt from Reuters interview with Eva Longoria:

"Eva Longoria is annoyed. The Latina beauty on hit television show Desperate Housewives is bugged by all the newspaper, magazine and Web gossip about her sex life when there are more important issues to think about."

Do I really need to do this? Sure.

Here's a list of quotes from Eva Longoria from the past year:

The best sex I have ever had was with my vibrator. I own two. I have the rabbit one, and I give that as a gift all the time to other girls for a birthday or the like. It's the best gift to give: an orgasm. And if I can't do it for ya, I'll give you the tools to succeed! I have one rabbit and a Pocket Rocket."

I wear G-strings every day, all the time. I actually dont even own a full-bottom pair of underwear. I also love lingerie, and I love high heels, but I prefer total nakedness overall. That, to me, is so much sexier.

"I like to be tied up while a tall, dark, handsome lover uses me for his sexual pleasure while I struggle to escape."

and my personal favorite:

"It's not Leave it to Beaver."

The sex life quotes go on and on and on and on. If I posted all of them, I'd be here till next month cutting and pasting. Oh, and here's a dandy photo of her "important issues" as well:

You can tell how concerned she is about important issues plaguing society by the way she's on her knees in a bikini that's falling off.

The Good, The Bad, and The Formerly Obese

2006-04-14T13:23:00.000-04:00

Ryan Seacrest. How can one man provide me with such an amazing plethora* of material? You're starting to rank right up there with Scott Stapp's alcoholic outbursts and Kevin Federline's penchant for sucking the proverbial universal wiener. I'm going to show you Ryan Seacrest's quote from People magazine, and then we'll discuss it:

"I was overweight," he confesses, "because I used to come home and eat a cookie sheet pan of nachos and watch OPRAH every day of my life." He then goes on to say that his classmates used to call him "Kubiak" after the character on "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" because of his weight problem.

Seriously? Where do I begin? The "Kubiak" thing is the obvious choice - mostly because I'm a hopeless Parker Lewis fan and I've kept a lock of Corin Nemec's hair taped to the inside of my training bra for the past fifteen years - but I think I have to go with the "Oprah" thing. I don't want to jump to any rash conclusions here, but I don't think I've ever met a thirteen year old boy in my entire life who was into watching Oprah after school.

Wait, I take that back. I forgot about that time when Rip Taylor and Charles Nelson Reilly found that time machine when they were thirteen and traveled to the future to watch Oprah. I stand corrected.

*Like you, I learned about the word "plethora" from El Guapo in "Three Amigos". I am not ashamed.

The Best Argument for Birth Control

2006-04-13T19:50:00.000-04:00

MY EYES!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!

STOP THEM BEFORE THEY BREED.

2006-04-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

There's Always Room for J-Lo

2006-04-13T18:17:00.000-04:00

Two or three husbands ago, Jennifer Lopez was married to a man who was not famous. Shortly after she became famous, she dropped him like a ton of bricks. I'm sure you're shocked.

Now she's suing him because he tried to extort five million dollars from her in exchange for him NOT writing a tell-all book about her. In the interest of the public, I will summarize what this book probably would have said:

"Jennifer spent hours anally electrocuting alien kittens in order to eat their pelts and become a lesbian porn star scientologist who was also a fat racist whore who hated the elderly and shot laser beams from her surgically-augmented nipples at puppies and toddlers while eating veal and cheating on her husband with a latex fist she borrowed from Whitney Houston during one of their crack-induced sex-fests that they used to hold once a week on Crack Mountain while wearing butt plugs that were made by small Indonesian children who were chained to butt plug-making machines sixteen hours a day, paid three cents per week, and were beaten with reeds once per hour and when Jennifer heard about that she laughed and had some genetically-modified spinach stuck in her capped teeth the whole time and didn't even know it and this one time she farted on the set of "In Living Color" and blamed it on SW-1 because she hates black people and white people and Chinese people and people who look vaguely Scandanavian under fluorescent lighting. Did I mention that she was a CHEATING TERRORIST WHORE WHO LIKES TO TAKE IT UP THE BUTT?"

Or something like that. I never trust tell-alls from exes.

Every Sandwich Way But Loose

2006-04-12T18:43:00.000-04:00

NEWS ALERT: NICOLE RICHIE LIKES SANDWICHES

Nicole Richie has admitted to the press that she...likes sandwiches. Note how in this quote, she doesn't mention anything about eating the sandwiches, which is really one of the key components to food consumption.

When asked what kind of food she likes, Nicole replied, "Whatever I feel like, sandwiches, whatever."

I think in this case, "whatever" could stand for any of the following items:

1. A case of Ex-Lax
2. Saltwater
3. Pebbles that got kicked up from her webbed feet into her clavicle
4. Lowfat Steam
5. The faint and unpleasant memories of Paris Hilton's vagina fumes

Don't hate her because she's beautiful:

Smells, and The Smelly

2006-04-11T13:03:00.000-04:00

Let's see if you can figure out what's wrong with this sentence:

"That afternoon, Wilmer Valderrama, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and smelling of the cologne DRAKKAR NOIR, was quite willing to discuss the women he has dated over the years..."

Seriously? I haven't smelled Drakkar Noir on a man since I went to see the first Batman movie with Eduardo Maldonado in eighth grade and he never spoke to me again because I wouldn't let him "totally tongue wrestle" me. To this day, I think if I smelled Drakkar Noir on a man passing by me on the street, I would instinctively kick him in the jimmies and call my mom to come pick me up, making the discomfort of walking around with that quarter in my slouch socks totally worth it.

Drakkar Noir. Please. What's next? Is Jessica Simpson going to walk around reeking of "Exclamation!", or perhaps "Charlie"? Although - I suppose anything would be better than the smell of her dad's "Old Spice" on the inside of her bra.

Chicks - Who Needs 'Em?

2006-04-07T18:22:00.000-04:00

Women are irrational. They do many bizarre things that cannot be explained, such as "crying" and "having a valid reason to be angry". I can only imagine what kind of absolute womanly-craziness Kim Mathers must have been engaged in to make Eminem file for divorce from her after a mere 82 days of marriage. Wait, I almost forgot to mention that is the second time they've been married, but that's neither here nor there...nor here.

Maybe it was her "time of the month" and she got all CRAZY like a woman when she re-read the lyrics to his song "Kim" and realized that they were actually about her! Here's a snippet from the actual song:

You can't run from me Kim
It's just us - nobody else
You're only making this harder on yourself
Ha-ha got'cha
(Ahh!)
Ha - Go ahead yell
Here I'll scream with you
AH SOMEBODY HELP
Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?
Now shut the f*ck up and get what's comin to you
You were supposed to love me
*Kim choking*
NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED!
BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!

See what I mean? Chicks are NUTS.

Not For All The Humps In The World

2006-04-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

MY EYES!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP FRIGHTENING ME TO THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL.

Pluggin' the Hole

2006-04-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

Allright. I wish I were kidding here, but this is what I'm hearing from the bowels of Hollywood this week.

I would like to reiiterate that I am NOT kidding.

Even in my depraved world of clearance shopping and full-price jiggling, even I, your humble servant of bitchitudinal fluff, could not make this up.

Once again, people. NOT kidding.

It is being reported that Tom Cruise has purchased a special adult-sized pacifier for Katie Holmes to plug her mouth with while she's giving birth. (In case you live under a rock, Scientologists believe that the mother should be silent while giving birth, so her screams and moans don't "permanently traumatize" the baby as its being born.)

Thank goodness I ran out and bought one for myself just prior to hearing this news. Otherwise, my jaw would be dropped open in shock right now.

Bankrupt Me Baby, One More Time

2006-04-05T10:38:00.000-04:00

If I were a popular radio DJ in a big city, and Kevin Federline came in to my studio for an interview, you can bet that the first thing I would do would be to challenge him to a "Dance Dance Revolution" contest. This is what Kidd Kraddick of Dallas did, and I'm sure Britney Spears sat in the corner the whole time thinking, "How about "Job Job Revolution"?!!! Why don't you try THAT one, asshole!" Then she probably grabbed up their baby, straightened his baby 'do-rag, pulled the maternity thong out of her butt, and stormed off to see if anyone in Color Me Badd was still single.

On the one hand, he already has like fifty billion kids so he at least has some experience, but he does call most of them "Gangsta" or "Shorty" in public. On the other hand, it's being reported that he's blown through about 30 million dollars of Britney's money in the past year alone. So today's question is: Which would you rather leave alone in a room with Kevin Federline - your baby ... or your credit card?

A Choice Moment in Anus History

2006-04-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan is a trendsetter. A risk-taker. A fashion maven. A classy young lady with the grace of Audrey Hepburn and the eye of Coco Chanel. She doesn't follow the rules, sassmaster - she MAKES the rules. Unwilling to bow down to the demands of an entertainment business that panders every day to the lowest common denominator of "Reba" and "King of The Hill" fans, Lindsay Lohan will take it to the mat EVERY time, bucko........

... even if it means flashing her brown-eye to a crowd of eight year olds at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

No, My First Name Ain't Baby...

2006-04-03T14:36:00.000-04:00

I know I'm not the only one who's noticed that foreign-born orphans are quickly becoming the new chihuahua in the neverending ridiculousness that is the New Hollywood. Nobody wants to be the last pop sensation/starlet/washed-up hag on Ventura Boulevard without a baby in their nanny's arms. Sorry, kid - Mommy would just love to carry you around, but you make her look fat by comparison, and you know we can't have THAT. Chances are Mommy paid about the same amount for her Prada bag as she did for you, and your nimble baby-fingers aren't as trustworthy as her overpriced leather monstrosity/purse. Perhaps someday, when you're older, and you're able to grip a bundle of Chanel lipsticks and a few boxes of laxatives at the same time, you'll become "useful" to Mommy, but until then, you better get used to the back burner, kid.

I could talk about how many children there are in the US that need homes, but when it comes down to it, a child saved is a child saved - regardless of their country of origin - and you can't look down on that. HOWEVER, people adopting babies so they can be "in on the newest trend" are as disgusting as Meg Ryan's bought-and-paid-for trout mouth sucking down overpriced sushi while her baby learns to resent her from the nanny's arms outside the restaurant window.

A Real Rock Star?!?!?!

2006-03-31T13:46:00.000-05:00

Pete Doherty (former singer for The Libertines) is my favorite celebrity at the moment. Not only does he strut around England like he's the second coming of Liam Gallagher's ego, but he manages to actually up the ante that was set by that wonderfully colorful jackass way back in the 90's!

Last week, after being arraigned on drug possession charges, he was nearly crushed by the throngs of reporters waiting for him outside the courthouse - so in order to get away - he hopped a rail, kicked a microphone out a reporter's hand, and ran down the street and hopped in his Jaguar and sped off, smashing into a half a dozen parked cars. NOW the story has come out that he routinely parks his Jaguars wherever he pleases and when the cars get towed away, he just goes down to the dealership down the street, buys a new one, and lets the impounded cars just sit there unclaimed. He just purchased his EIGHTH Jaguar in two months for this reason.

Take some notes, folks. This is why our standing is slipping here in the US. England's rock stars are so much better than ours. If I wanted somebody humble and sensitive behind a microphone, I'd call Dr. Phil.

Battlescar Galactica

2006-03-30T14:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't even want to discuss this, but you've left me no choice.

This Britney Spears "Birth of Sean Preston" sculpture thing.

The artist claims this is some kind of tribute to Britney being Pro-Life or some crap like that, but it's clearly an unknown artist's pathetic attempt to get people to talk about him. Unfortunately, I'm feeding into that right now, but I have a point to make.

What you can't see from this photo is that there is a baby-head crowning in the back of the sculpture from her "hoo-hah". This would all be fine and good except for one small detail, Mr. Sculptor-Idiot-Guy:

Her baby was delivered via C-section.

That is all.

p.s. for the ladies: I bought that new Lash Stylist mascara from Maybelline yesterday (the one with the little comb instead of the traditional mascara brush) and I just have to say LEAVE WORK AND GO BUY IT RIGHT THIS SECOND. I look like I'm wearing false eyelashes right now.

Back in Blak

2006-03-29T14:33:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. Coca-Cola has finally realized that coffee has been the hottest fad beverage for about the last fifteen years or so, and have created "Coca-Cola Blak". As you know, I am not a misspeller. It's actually "Blak". It's Coke...mixed with coffee! Let me sit back and savor the moment. Mmmm.

You hang on JUST a minute there, Coca-Cola! I actually invented Coca-Cola Blak like TWELVE YEARS ago! I was sitting in my car after picking up a Grande Half-Caf Non-Fat Mocha Latte with two packets of "Sugar in The Raw" and a rock-candy swizzle stick when I accidently spilled it into the can of Coke that was sitting next to it in the drink holder. Then I took a sip of the Coke, spit it out, screamed "Shitwater!", and proceeded to forget the whole incident by the time I pulled up outside "Clothestime" to buy one of those cropped denim jackets with the floral dress underneath and some brown ankle boots.

You shant get away with this, Coca-Cola. Not on my watch.

The Tortoise and The Hair

2006-03-28T16:32:00.000-05:00

MY EYES!!!!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!

STOP LETTING TURTLES GET FAKE TITS.

One At A Time, Please!

2006-03-28T11:31:00.000-05:00

Jason Gedrick. The mere mention of that name floods my memories with a thousand heart-shaped nostalgia tsunamis lashing at my insides like a floggin' toboggan of wanton pre-teen lust on a runaway Jordache-clad schooner to Puberty Island. And a tsunami can SO be heart-shaped. Shut up.

So, Jason Gedrick, in case you don't know, is best known for his roles as the dumb kid in "Iron Eagle", the dumb kid in "Iron Eagle II", the dumb kid in "The Heavenly Kid", and the asshole guy in that one episode of "CSI" last year. He's what we like to affectionately call a "nobody". But he DOES have good hair...and probably a bitchin' efficiency apartment in the San Fernando Valley where he's been contemplating sucking on an exhaust pipe and praying for his own death since 1988, so let's give credit where credit is due.

Be that as it may, I am pleased to announce that Jason Gedrick will star on a new drama called "Windfall" this summer on NBC. I think this might be his George Clooney/Patrick Dempsey comeback!

Wait! Wait! I've read the report further down, and Luke Perry will also be on the show. Sorry Jason - go back to the end of the line. We're only doing one resuscitation per season here, and Luke's picture was WAY bigger than yours on the cover of this "16 Magazine" in 1993.

You've Come A Long Way, Skanky

2006-03-27T16:12:00.000-05:00

Jessica Simpson is teaming up with her hairstylist, Ken Paves, to launch a line of hair extensions!!!!! FINALLY - something she's actually qualified to talk about! Now she can give up that whole music/acting thing and the world can return to normal. If we can just get Lindsay Lohan to give up acting and singing in favor of vomiting, and get Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas to give up singing in favor of being an orange man with a bladder problem, then we'll be totally set.

By the way, I am SO totally buying those Jessica Simpson hair extensions. And the Jessica Simpson "Dessert" makeup and body care collection. And the Jessica Simpson clothing line. And the Jessica Simpson line of dog grooming supplies and accessories. And the Jessica Simpson line of arthritis medication. And the Jessica Simpson line of engine exhaust manifolds. And the Jessica Simpson line of weapons of mass destruction. And the Jessica Simpson line of fat-free non-stick cooking spray. And the Jessica Simpson line of scientific calculators and sliderules. And the Jessica Simpson line of sport fishing taxidermy supplies. And the Jessica Simpson line of kangaroo birthing helmets.

I Believe The Children Are Our Future

2006-03-24T13:30:00.000-05:00

Holy Hilton, Skankman! Nicky and Paris Hilton are in talks to star in an animated cartoon series about their disgusting and depraved lives! I don't know why somebody didn't think of this sooner. I can't think of a better way to get through to that untapped pre-school/elementary school market. There are so many things the little ones could learn from the Hilton sisters! Like how to pick up the keys to your Bentley with your cooter. Or how to say "backdoor action" in Greek. Or how to eat a whole zucchini at once without chewing. Or my personal favorite, how to be famous for doing absolutely nothing but being two of the most revolting, disrespectful, untalented, useless human beings to ever walk the face of the earth!

And don't give Nicky a pass for that whole "fashion designer" thing. I was sticking gold stars to my Jordache purse in 8th grade, so she's not breaking any new ground there.

Taradise

2006-03-23T20:28:00.000-05:00

MY EYES!!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!

STOP BEING TARA REID.

The "Stud" in Student

2006-03-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. Now Eva Longoria is taking BACK what she said about her NBA-Star Boyfriend being the "student" and her being the "teacher" in the bedroom. I guess she got tired of him coming home from basketball practice covered in welts and man-juice. For comparison purposes, here's what Robo-Tan said last week:

"...he's only been with one other person in his life,"..."i'm definitely the teacher in the bedroom."

and here's what she's saying this week:

"...when the lights are out, he's the teacher, and I'm the student."

I'd love to see the lesson plan when she's in charge. I bet it involves her lying naked in a giant Louis Vuitton purse while he goes out and buys her the matching wallet. His lesson plan is probably just him closing his eyes and fantasizing that his girlfriend would shut the hell up about their sex life for two freakin' minutes in front of the press. Good luck with that one.

The Revolution Isn't Free, People!

2006-03-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

Television just keeps getting better, doesn't it? Starcast Productions is organizing a televised seance to contact John Lennon. The catch? Besides it being one of the most stupid ideas I've ever heard, it will also only be shown on pay-per-view. Here comes the Mastercard joke.

General admission ticket to see The Beatles in 1964: $2.00

Seeing some dirty gypsies try to contact John Lennon's spirit: $9.95

Getting your dignity back after paying $9.95 for this bullshit: Priceless

I wonder what John Lennon would say if those wacky gypsy folks actually did contact his spirit? I would hope he would say something like this: "Ringo? Ringo Starr? Bloody RINGO STARR is still alive and I'm NOT?!! Bugger!" and then he'd spiritually backhand Yoko Ono for selling "Revolution" to a Nike commercial.

Dear Dave Navarro,

2006-03-21T19:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Dave Navarro,

It's a good thing you've decided to once again host that "Rock Star" show on CBS. I don't know how else I would get my weekly fix of seeing a man wear a feather boa with no shirt. Sure, sure, a lot of people will tell you that the whole stereotypical over-the-top rock star look of yore is played out, but I will tell you THIS my friends: it's still TOTALLY working for Jim Morrison. Note the similarities:

AND

Am I wrong?

Oh What a Feeling When You're Barfing on The Ceiling

2006-03-20T17:24:00.000-05:00

MY EYES!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!

STOP VOMITING.

Those Who Can't, Teach

2006-03-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

Here. We. Go. Again.

Like it's not bad enough that every skank in town is wearing gauchos? In the past three days I have seen COLORED gauchos. Friday, it was a pair of pea soup green gauchos, and yesterday it was a pair of SALMON colored gauchos. I had to spend yet another night washing out my eyeballs, breathing into a paper bag, and wishing harm to the wholesale buyers at Marshall's.

MOVING ON.

Eva Longoria has told Allure Magazine that it was "love at first sight" with her NBA-star boyfriend Tony Parker. She also said that "he's only been with one other person in his life," and that she is the "teacher" in the duo.

Seriously. When are you celebrities going to learn? There is nothing worse than blabbing on and on about who you're getting it on with when you know damned well that the chance of a celebrity relationship lasting is about as good as me actually giving Rob Thomas's solo album a chance.

And I'm sure that the boyfriend loves having her tell the entire universe that she's only the second woman he's ever been with and that she has to be "the teacher". I'm sure that kind of information goes over really well in the NBA locker room. I hope she's "teaching" him how to cower naked in a corner while being snapped with wet towels and playing the role of the unwilling cracker in an NBA circle jerk. At least THAT would be useful.

Chasing Ryan

2006-03-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

Well now this interesting! It's being reported that Teri Hatcher is now dating Ryan Seacrest! I tell ya, I was almost certain that we were living in the real world, and it turns out we've actually been in living in Bizarro World ALL WEEK. Black is white, up is down, right is left, gay is straight. Who'd a thunk it?

Come on! Ryan Seacrest??!! I bet she's one of those women who thinks that she can "change him" and they can still go accessory shopping together and he can do her hair and gossip about whomever Eva Longoria is currently getting her beav waxed for and then he'll fling up the back of her dress and bend her over the makeup counter at MAC and pepper her uterus with his well-groomed swimmy-tailed soldiers. Well, WAKE UP, Teri. This isn't "Chasing Ryan".

What's next, is she gonna dig up Liberace and take him to Spago?

Nothing Rhymes with Orange

2006-03-16T19:30:00.001-05:00

MY EYES!!!! GOOD LORD, MY EYES!!!!!!!

STOP TANNING.

(Especially that dude on the right.)

Moons Over My Pammy

2006-03-16T19:30:00.000-05:00

Pamela Anderson was recently spotted with writing on her famously large fake boobs. There's been much talk of what exactly the writing says, but I think it's probably the logo from her implants starting to bleed through. If you look at the photo up close, I'm sure it probably says, "Skank-O-Rama Brand - Size Watermelon - Not to be used as a floatation device - May cause you to hump Kid Rock and make your weird oblong nipples show through everything you've ever worn in public".

Either that or it was just some Tommy Lee leavin's. I heard it's actually long enough that he dips it in india ink and uses it as a pen now.

In the immortal words of Alasdair, "sometimes it's so easy I'm ashamed of myself."

Shout out to YCDTOT fans. Holla, by golla!

Dear Dad,

2006-03-15T21:17:00.000-05:00

MY EYES!!!! MY GOD, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP WORKING OUT.

*photo courtesy of E! Online

Reaming The Cube

2006-03-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking, "Why hasn't there been any snotty commentary on this Welcome Back, Kotter re-make business?" I will tell you why, Brer Bear:

The reason you haven't heard a peep from me about this whole "Ice Cube starring in the film version of Welcome Back, Kotter" thing is because since I initially heard the news of it, I have been vomiting up my own stomach in an attempt to keep myself from fully digesting said news. I'm thinking of finding Gabe Kaplan and kicking him to death in the nut-ular region just so he can roll over in his grave.

I can't wait until Hollywood runs out of classic television shows to rip off and ruin, and they'll start remaking horrible old TV shows like "Three's A Crowd" and "Rags to Riches". Ooh! How about "It's A Living!"??

Okay, I have to be honest here. I freakin' LOVED "It's A Living!".

Shorties

2006-03-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

There is so much to talk about, you're getting the "Bend Over Shorties and Let Me See What You Gots":

1. The Cars are holding a press conference today to announce a reunion tour. Wait. Before you get excited, Ric Ocasek is not going to be part of it. This is the equivalent of serving the finest filet mignon that the world has ever known on the floor of a gas station bathroom that hasn't been cleaned since Darva Conger was considered a celebrity.

2. Britney Spears has put K-Fed on a K-onstrictive budget because he's so K-Razy with all the baggy pants purchasing. I can't wait for his next single, which I'm sure will be called "Big Allowance Pimpin'".

3. Isaac Hayes is leaving 'South Park' because, after making fun of every religion in the world, Matt Stone and Trey Parker decided to make an episode that took jabs at Scientology. For those of you who don't know, Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist from way back, which has rendered him unable to communicate with us Earthlings. It also tends to make people lose any sense of humor that they ever had, and become laughing stocks of the entertainment world. It's all in 'Dianetics', people.

4. Jared Leto wears a priest frock and goth-y makeup at his crappy band's (30 Seconds to Mars) show because he claims it "gets him in the mood". I'm not sure what "mood" he thinks he's talking about, but I'd say it's probably "I miss 1991."

Shut It, Pete

2006-03-13T18:14:00.000-05:00

~~~Opposite Day: Citizens on Patrol~~~

Osama Bin Laden's niece is getting a reality show, and I for one, think it's a FANTASTIC idea. Like an idiot, she dropped the last name Bin Laden, over fears that people would be turned off by it, but makes a point of talking NON-STOP about how she's Osama Bin Laden's niece. Kudos. That is an excellent formula for success. From what I understand, she's trying to be the next Hilary Duff or something. Can I get a big ol' round of HELL YES?!!!! There are clearly not enough Hilary Duff's in the world.

You know, it makes me super-sad that reality television shows weren't around back in the old days. I heard that Mussolini's nephew was an excellent jazz pianist, Hitler had a sister who could shoot ping-pong balls out of her cooter, and Stalin's step-uncle could actually fart the entire Russian alphabet - backwards! And talk about a built-in audience. I would venture to say that Stalin was AT LEAST as famous as Jessica Simpson is today, if not more. It's a network executive's dream.

Man, am I super-super-sad.

~~~End of Opposite Day Blogging Marathon, You Can Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Barnyard Porn Now~~~

The Opposite Day Fun Continues

2006-03-13T15:13:00.000-05:00

~~~Opposite Day Starts Again~~~

I recently viewed the footage of Lindsay Lohan being followed around by the paparazzi and I thought about how terrifying it must be to be a nineteen year old girl just trying to walk down the street with fifty grown adults bashing into you with cameras and flashes and yelling at you the whole time. I started to feel really bad for Lindsay Lohan, and even a little fearful for her safety, and I even remarked aloud how great her fake tan looked.

Then I rolled back over in bed, made out with Wilmer Valderrama and Ashlee Simpson some more, and stuck a pair of cuticle scissors into my Lindsay Lohan voodoo doll a few more times.

~~~You Haven't Seen The Last of Opposite Day~~~

Opposite Day?! My Favorite!!!

2006-03-13T13:12:00.000-05:00

~~Begin Opposite Day~~

I'm so glad that the Hollywood machine is re-making the film classic 'Hairspray'. Hopefully, they can do a better job with it than that talentless hack John Waters. That guy makes Ingmar Bergman look like M. Night Shyamalan.

And let me also just say that I am pleased as sugar-free punch that John Travolta has been cast in the role of Edna Turnblad. If only DIVINE were still alive to see how well JOHN FRIGGIN' TRAVOLTA would "totally own" that role. I don't know who's being cast in the role of Tracy Turnblad, but I've got my fingers crossed that it's Nicole Richie in a fat suit. Other dream casting choices would have to be Nick Lachey as Link Larkin, Heather Locklear as Velma Von Tussle, and Usher as Seaweed. And instead of The Corny Collins Dance Show, they could all compete on Survivor. And instead of that whole anti-segregation angle, it could focus on boobs. Big ones. That bounce and jiggle. Then Bruce Willis could totally save the day while an Aerosmith ballad blasts over the scene. And let's stretch it out from 90 minutes to like four hours.

~~End of Opposite Day~~

I hate you, Hollywood.

Aged, Thy Name is Webster

2006-03-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

I felt old when the Olsen Twins starting humping Greek shipping heirs. I felt old when Sabrina The Teenage Witch had a baby. I felt old when that chick from 'Family Matters' started doing porn. I felt old when Anthony Michael Hall turned into David Caruso. I felt old when Ricky Schroeder got so freakin' ugly that I couldn't even stand to look at his face anymore without contemplating lesbianism. I felt old when Wilford Brimley hit on me and I actually considered it. I felt old when I publicly said, "What is this nonsense?" when I heard Kanye West for the first time. I felt old when I bought underwear that was sold in a three-pack. I felt old when I went to a used record store and only walked out with Rick Springfield's Greatest Hits.

Sometimes I actually say, "Music isn't as good as it used to be!" when nobody's around, then I take a shot of Metamucil, slip into a bedazzled Mu-Mu, put on some undereye wrinkle cream, and fall asleep watching 'Wheel of Fortune' with four cats sleeping on top of me. Then I wake up, catch ten minutes of an old re-run of 'Friends' and get really freaked out at all the casual sex that's still being promoted in this day and age. There's NO WAY Joey Tribbiani didn't at least have The Herp before he moved out to California to become a non-laughing stock of the sitcom spin-off crap factory. Sometimes...I even find Jay Leno amusing. All of this is fine and good, except for THIS:

I just read that Emmanuel Lewis, TV's "Webster" is 35. I'll pause for a few hours so you can fully take that in.

Weapon of Mass Media Destruction

2006-03-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

There's a poll this month in Stuff Magazine (I know, my favorite) that found that people would prefer to spend an evening in a tent with Saddam Hussein than with Tom Cruise. On that note, here is a list of other nouns I would prefer to spend an evening in a tent with than Tom Cruise:

1. A nude and aroused Dr. Ruth
2. Joan Crawford's 60 year old used maxi-pad
3. The corpse of Grover Cleveland
4. Clay Aiken's reclaimed personal lubricant
5. That flamer from The Groovenics (I know, which one?)
6. A life-size cardboard cutout out of Jon Basedow
7. Joseph Stalin's chamber pot
8. Ryan Seacrest's vagina
9. The toilet Elvis died on
10. Chef Boyardee's enema bag
11. Mickey Rourke's liposuctioned neck fat
12. Madonna's prostate
13. Various unidentifiable odors that live inside Star Jones
14. The ass-portion of Brent Indeed's underwear
15. A mouthful of James Brown
16. Donald Rumsfeld's judgement
17. William Shatner's ego
18. My own ego
19. Ralph Macchio's saliva
20. A bucket of pubic lice

Care to add any? I'm sure I forgot at least a couple of things.

Tales From The Stripped

2006-03-11T19:21:00.000-05:00

Here we go with Scott Stapp again. I recently had someone ask me, "If you hate Scott Stapp so much, why do you write about him?".

I will tell you why, my naive friend. Because I possess a thing called "journalistic integrity". It's kind of like real integrity, but not really. It's more like a fabulous pair of shoes that you got on sale but are horribly uncomfortable to actually wear. Journalistic integrity looks good, but in the long run, it ruins all your fun.

So, one of the women in the Scott Stapp sex tape is suing him, along with the video distribution company, for defaming her character and breach of verbal contract, blah, blah, blah. This is an actual quote from the papers that were filed with the court:

"Jane Doe was one of the four women who participated in the sexual acts, after a romantic interlude with Stapp, and under the belief that the video was to remain in Stapp's private possession. For all purposes, she is the star of the females in the video."

"Romantic Interlude"?

Interesting. A lot of people will tell you that romance is dead, but apparently it's alive and well and living on its knees in front of Scott Stapp. I can only assume romance swallows as well.

"She is the star of the females in the video"?

Gimme a minute. I think my sides just actually split open. I think that in this new world of reality television, people are really throwing the word "star" around quite haphazardly.

Susan Sarandon = Star

Topless skank on a camcorder video in an RV with Scott Stapp and Kid Rock = Day-Shift Stripper

See the difference? It's a fine line, I know.

Dogpile on The Rabbit

2006-03-10T16:17:00.000-05:00

By a show of hands, who thought Nick Lachey would turn this whole "has-been" thing around?

What?

No one?

Your collective negative-nancy-ism is astounding.

Well, I will have you nay-sayers know THIS. Nick Lachey is ALL OVER TELEVISION right now. If you stay up late enough (and run out of Dave Coulier stand-up comedy videos to watch) you can catch Nick Lachey on any variety of networks. Shirtless. Working out on top of a big rubber ball. In an infomercial. Laugh all you want, but...

Wait. There's no actual joke there. Seriously. Laugh all you want.

Words of Wangdom

2006-03-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Men,

As demonstrated by the naked pictures of Pete Wentz (bass player for Fall Out Boy) that are circulating around the internet, there are still a few things that men need to learn about impressing women.

1. Our eyes are not made of labia. Up-close wiener shots make us laugh, and then recoil in horror, then laugh again, then recoil again, then laugh, then recoil, and so on and so forth. When we're done doing that, we show your wiener picture to all of our friends, and submit it to a few websites. Size truly doesn't matter here. Pictures of wieners are just funny...and horrifying...and then funny again.

2. Less IS more. A lot of men find this to be a "gray area" because most women have a unique scale of what they find to be "too much". For the record, shirtless is good. Pantsless is bad. Hats of any kind - when otherwise naked or semi-naked - bad. A picture of you in a diaper? Always, always bad.

3. I realize that this must be the influence of porn on the young folks, but believe it or not, the mere sight of a man's package is NOT enough to get us going. News flash: Sometimes, we actually like to be spoken to. If you can manage to speak to us for five minutes without whipping it out, that's even better.

4. If you're in Fall Out Boy, you've got bigger problems to worry about than impressing girls with your camera phone and your schlong, so I guess you get the Crappy Faux-Screamo Band Pass.

Don't make me pull this blog over.

My XXX Fantasy

2006-03-09T18:06:00.000-05:00

It's not often that a celebrity fulfills your every fantasy, and I feel so overwhelmingly lucky that Mariah Carey has told The London Mirror the following:

"I've been working out like mad - you can even punch me in the stomach and feel how tight that is..."

I'm lacing up my boxing gloves right this second and boarding the next plane to Doucheville. A lot of people in the sports world will tell you that it's wrong to weight your boxing gloves with a few beakers of mercury and a cinder-block or two, but I think they're not living in the real world. If there's one thing I refuse to be accused of, it's not keeping it real.

AND

Vin Diesel has decided that he would also like to be my muse today. How else could he explain the following article I just pulled from The New York Daily News?:

"The burly, bald-pated star reveals that he's nicknamed his swollen biceps "The Kryptonics," although he insists he'd never break out the big guns in order to score a prospective date's digits.

"No! What do you take me for? I'm much more romantic than that," he tells the magazine of his cautious use of "The Kryptonics." "I'm more likely to sing Broadway show tunes to a girl."

1. Do I really have to address the fact that he has named his biceps? I can only imagine the other body parts he's "named". I don't want to get too much into it, but I bet there's a steroid-affected part below his waist that he calls "The Disappointer".

2. I can't recall the last time a male suitor sang me Broadway show tunes to impress me, but I think it may have been Clay Aiken, and I may have been wearing a Ricky Martin costume at the time.

3. I have to see if I can get him together with Mariah Carey for her "punch me in the stomach" business. I can't think of a more fitting task for "The Kryptonics".

Believe It Or Not - You CAN Touch This!

2006-03-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

Well, thank heavens! MC Hammer is blogging! It seems that like a million people are reading his blog, so I thought I'd rip off some ideas from him. This is a portion of what he posted on March 5th:

"I work my chest and lower back and abs a lot. No heavy weight. I have to be able to explode and be quick and fast with my hands and feet. My calves and thighs are most important for the hot moves out today. Squats with no weights will do the trick. I will also do some leg presses with about three hundred pounds just to keep the thighs and hamstrings firing."

Okay, I'll tell you guys what my workout regimen is, since that seems to be what readers like to see:

I work my chest muscles as I slam the snooze button repeatedly on my alarm clock and then work my lower back as I bend over to pick up something to wear out of the hamper that doesn't smell *too* much like whiskey vomit. My jiggly ass and indifference to everything in the world are most important for the hot moves out today, like "eating cheeseburgers" and "not caring". Squats with no weights are still too much work for me, and threaten to make me perspire, which would totally destroy my eyeliner so I think we all know THAT'S not gonna happen. I will also do NO leg presses with about no-hundred pounds just to keep the thighs thunder-y and hamstrings doughy.

There. Are you satisfied? As per usual, I am not.

Basic Inskankt

2006-03-08T13:04:00.000-05:00

AP from PARIS - A team of American-led muff-divers has discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday.

Scientists said the animal, which they named Sharon Stone, was so distinct from other species that they created a new family and genus for it.

The divers found Sharon Stone in waters 7,540 feet deep at a site 900 miles south of Easter Island last year. In what scientists described as a "surprising characteristic," Sharon Stone's pincers are covered with sinuous, hair-like strands.

It is also blind to its own desperation and ego. The researchers found it had only "the vestige of a membrane" in place of eyes and a moral compass.

The researchers said that while legions of new ocean species are discovered each year, it is quite rare to find one that merits a new family.

The name, Sharon Stone, was taken from the Latin "Beaverus Wrinkleus", the goddess of crustaceans in cooter mythology.

Here are a few pics:

Hmm? I think someone's looking for a little publicity for that Basic Instinct sequel.

Love Always,
Maggie

*photos courtesy of Yahoo and The Fuggers

Destroy My Career, Baby, One More Time

2006-03-08T10:03:00.000-05:00

I am so excited about the comedic potential of this quote, I think I just ovulated. Madonna's daughter asked her if she was gay, after seeing her well-orchestrated "controversial" kiss with Britney Spears a while back, and this was Mad Dad's response:

"No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."

And look at the wonders that her "energy" has done for Britney Spears since then. I'm thinking that perhaps Mad Dad's "energy" was actually just a radical form of Herpes that attacks the judgement controls of the brain, resulting in "someone" Feder-lining his pockets with hundred dollar bills while "someone" becomes a laughing stock of the pop star world who dabbles more in Cheetohs than Kabbalah.

Come to think of it, pretty much everyone who has ever kissed Madonna has had their career tank shortly thereafter. Guy Ritchie, Dennis Rodman, Warren Beatty, Sandra Bernhard, that Coke bottle in "Truth or Dare" - the list goes on and on.

Oh yeah, and Bobby Brown just got arrested...again. Yawn.

Batteries ARE Included!

2006-03-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

If you're going to get beat up by an international music superstar, I would think you would choose someone like Mick Jagger, or Billy Idol, or even the cop from The Village People. Why would you get beaten up by Yanni? That's just bad for your reputation.

Yanni was arrested at his home in Manalapan, FL for domestic battery on his girlfriend. It seems that all of the gentle ivory-tickling finally sent him over the edge of the babbling brook into that dark world where chimes sound like bitch-slapping. While I find woman-beaters to be among the lowest form of scum on the planet, I do find it slightly amusing to imagine Yanni wearing a stained undershirt, swigging out of a can of Colt 45, attempting to flip over a dinette set that's bolted to the floor of the trailer, wrenching his back, filing for disability, and throwing a TV dinner against the wall yelling "I'm not gonna eat this DOG FOOD. You better make me some real food, bitch, or I'm gonna cut you!"

For the record, Yanni is maintaining his innocence, but I think he should at least do some time for "Live at The Acropolis". Ten or fifteen years should do it.

Ooh That Smell - Part 3

2006-03-06T14:01:00.000-05:00

Here we go again. It's not enough that has-been tartlets like Britney Spears and Mariah Carey and Shania Twain have their own "signature scents", now they have to go and give has-been tartlet television shows their own perfumes.

Desperate Housewives perfume will hit the market next year, just in time for the show to hit rock-bottom and only be watched by people who still think it's cool to say "You go girl". Now I have to get all psychic again and predict what "Eau de Desperate To Eat" is going to smell like:

"Prepare to be whisked away to Wisteria Lane on the sexy, shimmery waves of Botox, Dulcolax, and a Brazilian Wax - or really any substance that contains the letter "X" that will leave you hairless, your face paralyzed, and your colon as empty as your skanktankerous casting couch soul - as sprinkles of Dexatrim gently pelt you into a glazed-over state of denial that your show is going down faster than Eva Longoria on an NBA player, or that guy from N'Sync, or that other guy."

I can only hope that there's a CSI: Miami perfume in the works. I want to smell like blacklights and DNA and David Caruso's jowls.

She's Poetry in Lotion

2006-03-03T17:00:00.000-05:00

Every now and then you read a bit of information that sends your imagination on a fluttery, pink champagne voyage to Fantasyland. That's right! Jessica Simpson is considering publishing a book of her very own poetry! I for one, have to give that a big ol' HELL YES! In tribute, I will now write a poem from Jessica's perspective:

Puffy clouds in a rainbow sky
These days all seem like cherry pie
But I don't eat pie cuz it has sugar
Thank God there are no carbs in this booger
So buy me stuff
It won't shut me up
But I'll be more inclined to let you THINK that I might show you my boobs, but I'm SO not going to
For reals.
Daddy! This guy from Maroon 5 wants me to put it in my MOUTH! Ew!!!!

You With The Stars In Your Eyes

2006-03-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure you already know, the Academy Awards will be happening this Sunday. I, for one, can hardly wait to see what kind of fermunda cheese Teri Hatcher makes everyone sniff on the red carpet through her visible underwear and how many layers of spackle Bai Ling will have to use to cover up her mouth gonorrhea. That is, after all, what the Oscars are all about. The trophies are merely a rouse.

Let's play the "Obvious Oscar Prediction Game":

1. Attention- (and carb) -starved starlets will tell all of us little people about the mammarial wonders of double-sided toupee tape! Tres classy, ladies.

2. Marcia Cross will look like an pinch-faced freak-headed alien!

3. Johnny Depp will continue his rebellion against his own good looks by showing up looking like Buster Keaton's rotten, maggot-infested corpse!

4. Ryan Philippe will have whatever's stuck up his ass STILL stuck up his ass!

5. Gwyneth Paltrow will either cry, speak in a British accent, or cry while speaking in a British accent!

I can't friggin' WAIT.

With Mouths Wide Open

2006-03-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

Oh come on, Scott Stapp. Stop making me write about you. Don't you know how much I loathe you?

Allright, so Scott Stapp is speaking out about this whole sex tape thing, and about his life in general. I'm sure glad he's not "blowing" the whole thing out of proportion.

Here's a quote: "Obviously someone wants to hurt me and doesn't want me to be successful in my solo career."

Yes, Scott. And that person is God.

Coachella DeVille

2006-03-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

Remember how everybody went, "Huh?" when Metallica was put on the Lollapalooza line-up a few years ago? It signified the long overdue death of a bloated festi-villain who had overstayed its no-longer hip welcome. Today's deathmarch will be for:

The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival.

Yes, that's right. Madonna will be playing this year's Coachella, although I was thinking of changing her name to "Mad Dad". She's pretty burly these days, and all this business with the hernia operation - allright already, Esther! You're killing me with this meshuga disco revival!

She's really breaking my balls here.

Start Poppin'

2006-03-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

Regarding his split from Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey has bravely told Teen People Magazine - "Don't feel sorry for me."

I am so glad he has advised us of this information. I've been sitting outside of his mansion all day long feeling sorry for him. I don't know what to feel more sorry about - the fact that he's been paroled from his prison sentence for being an accessory to blonde crimes against humanity, or the fact that he's going to knee-deep in cash and whores by year's end. I hope that the wads of hundred dollar bills and jigglin' boobies are able to catch his tears.

Personal note to Nick: You are what is known in the real world as "lucky". Now shut up and find some other bimbo that will make you feel as smart as Jessica did. You can pretty much just throw a rock in Los Angeles and hit three or four hundred of these women at one time. They're all in line to audition for "Elim-a-Date".

Favorite Pricks of All Time?

2006-02-28T22:56:00.000-05:00

Well now I've done it. Apparently, this Johnny Rotten business has opened a whole new can of conversational worms. Everywhere I go, people are either accosting me in disgust for liking Johnny Rotten or patting me on the back. Let's move on to the other celebrities that I love, who also happen to be total pricks, and you can feel free to add anyone I forgot:

1. James Spader
2. Jack Nicholson
3. Russell Crowe
4. Liam Gallagher
5. Kevin Spacey
6. Martha Stewart
7. Shannen Doherty
8. Michael Douglas
9. Joan Crawford
10. Ryan Adams

Seven Skanks for Seven Gauchos

2006-02-28T20:31:00.000-05:00

I will admit it. I watch American Idol. Do YOU know why? I hope you can tell ME, because I sure as hell don't know. Now that we've got all that out in the open, I'll cut to the chase. Of the twelve female contestants that performed last week, SEVEN of them were wearing gauchos. That is not an exaggeration - Aaron and I kept count. I honestly couldn't tell you what any of them sounded like because I was so distracted by the screenful of gauzy, flappery ugliness, not to mention the oodles of potato ass. Did you know that there is actually a SECTION at Marshall's labeled "Gauchos"? Did you know that I actually found a one-piece sequined halter top gaucho OUTFIT on sale there? How long can this go on? How long??? And the flat shoes with the gauchos? That particular combination is useful if you're trying to pass yourself off as a horse, but who the hark wants to look like they're hauling grain to the market?

Speaking of flat shoes, I saw the most hideous pair of flats at Marshall's as well. Here's the checklist:

1. Really flat - no heel at ALL.

2. Purple. Not a nice purple, so don't jump all over me. We're talking Grimace Purple.

3. They were made of CROCHETED YARN.

4. They had an assortment of CROCHETED FRUITS dangling off the top of them.

5. I am not kidding.

I have to go clean my eyes now...and lick my Poison door poster.

Johnny Angel

2006-02-25T13:30:00.000-05:00

I love Johnny Rotten. I love everything about him. Never has there been a more likeable, snide, arrogant, totally amusing music personality. After years of being passed over for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, The Sex Pistols were finally invited to the induction ceremony just last week. This is Johnny Rotten's response:

"Next to the Sex Pistols, rock and roll and that hall of fame is a piss stain. Your museum. Urine in wine. We're not coming...We're not your monkey and so what? Fame at $25,000 if we paid for a table, or $15,000 to squeak up in the gallery, goes to a non-profit organization selling us a load of old famous."

I can't even think of anything to say right now except that the phrase "selling us a load of old famous" is so fabulous it makes my entire vocabulary AND wardrobe obsolete. I'm going to go write a full-length album right now based entirely around that line while I have a high-heel bonfire.

I love love LOVE how almost thirty years after "Never Mind The Bollocks", he's still as frothy as a rabid dog. THAT is dedication. THAT is what it was about, is about, and should be about forever. I love how middle-age has made him an even bigger asshole. I love that I will never hear "God Save The Queen" changed to "God Save The Clean" and used in a Pine-Sol commercial. I just plain love him. You can't put a price on that kind of bitter. It's like fine art.

I Think He's Gonna Pork-Rind Her!

2006-02-24T19:18:00.000-05:00

Don't you get me all excited for nothing!!! I hesitate to even share this information with you, mostly because I'm frightened that if I say it out loud it may not come true. You must promise to keep it to yourself. Here goes.

It is being reported that Kevin Federline and Jessica Simpson were getting cozy at the LA club "Privilege" a couple nights ago. Oh to be a fly on the wall - or one of those flies that are usually buzzing around his filthy 'do-ragged head. I bet his scalp smells like macaroni and cheese...and not the Kraft Deluxe kind either. The store-brand one with the powdered cheese.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the mere thought of the two of them being in the same room, let alone "hooking up". I can't tell you how much I love this idea. The two of them getting together and having a lusty, crusty affair, her getting knocked up by his radioactively-potent trailer-seed, giving birth to a child named "Cletus" (because it rhymed with "Fetus" and she couldn't think of anything better), and this child going on to play the role of Joey on "Blossom" when NBC decides to re-make it into a feature-length Made-For-TV-Movie in the year 2021.

I've been good. I haven't called anyone a skank all day, except for Paris Hilton of course, but that's part of my daily affirmations. Please don't take this away from me. Please let it be true.